As horrible as this is--I shall now quote myself from my own facebook status:
"Having my first 'listen to girl music, drink wine, and fiddle on the computer while thinking about my feelings night' except this time there's a man watching baseball 5 feet away and I'm wearing headphones. Yikes!"
That's right, I am someone's live-in girlfriend. Adutlhood as arrived. Yesterday the big highlight was a couples run and reorganizing the kitchen. I kept repeating the phrase, "Function is the key. We want it to be functional." Who am I??? I'm surprising myself so much these past few days. I'm organizing, packing, unpacking, and bossing--with fervor. I feel so...settled. I've spent the past few hours looking through my itunes, drinking sauvignon blanc, and looking at my old writings. Is it strange to feel like your old self can have a chat with the you of right now? I just want to tell/ask myself the following things:
1. You made it! You're finally in a relationship with a mutual love, respect, and commitment.
2. Wow, aren't we glad all that wondering is over?
3. Do you miss the wondering a little bit?
4. See, you can still have your secret single behavior (SSB) with him around. You just have to wear headphones.
5. Stop being "old you" and over-thinking everything. It's just organizing a kitchen. Remember, you wanted all this so enjoy it for what it is and stop trying to explain away your behavior as if its wrong because its new.
True to form, I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional and texting my friends. Every once in a while he looks over at me when I giggle out loud, sing a quick lyric softly, or just to see what the hell is she doing over there for so long. I enjoy that I can still have this private girl time even with him in the same room. I don't know why its so important to me to keep separate in all this togetherness. I think I just needed to feel what this is like without him, since he'll be traveling for work so much and I'll be alone a lot this month coming up. See how it feels to have not just these moments of "aloneness" but also how it feels to by myself here. I am someone who needs to sing her singer/songwriter music out loud when I feel in a funky mood, I am someone who likes a glass of wine at night, I am someone who likes to reflect on all the passages of my life, I am someone who likes to overanalyze and feel and be emotional. I am someone who likes to hear acoustic guitars whilst I engage in all of these sullen behaviors. I am someone who knows that these are great natural mood elevators for me. To write, to be alone with what I'm thinking, to feel like its just me in the world, contemplating what will happen next for me. I'm someone who likes to celebrate the love I've found privately, while writing about it in a public venue.
The best part of living with him so far---I can do all this, typing away fanatically, not speaking to him for two hours, and bobbing my head around while singing under my breath. The best part is, he doesn't seem to mind, he just watched the TV and sips his vodka-tonic.
Wait. I just pulled my headphones off because I heard, "STEPH! STEPH" What are you doing? I've been trying to get your attention for 5 minutes..."
I guess this is living together.
