So, I want to be a healthy person. Over the past year I think I've gotten much closer. But it's just so difficult to walk on by that blue box full of macaroni noodles and powdered cheese mix. I don't know why I get on these "naughty food" kicks, but I'm sure when I actually open my copy of Women, Food, and God I'll learn the reason. According to Ms. Geneen Roth, our relationship with food is a direct mirror of how we feel about ourselves in every aspect of life.
My relationship with food means that I am just too damn tired and too lazy to put the effort into making good choices. I'm so exhausted most of the time that I want what is convenient and what I know brings me a nice, yummy feeling. Of course, as Ms. Geneen Roth clearly states, what we often seek when we're feeling bored and lazy and fed up makes us feel even MORE bored and lazy and fed up. So, what's a girl to do?
I am joining the Kris Carr crazysexydiet train. I bought the book several months ago and read through it, feeling totally inspired and excited about how I was going to feel after doing it. And the "it" isn't all that complicated. Truly the only new thing for me is the juicing. I plan on buying myself a juicer (credit cards are amazing) and getting to work. I'm posting my health goals below because then at least I have some sort of public forum to hold me accountable. Although, I know that there are no readers of this blog as of now, I like to pretend that someone out there reads along.
Healthy Glow Goals:
1. Make healthy eating choices during the week with one weekend splurge of some luxurious cheese. I see no reason to deny myself these small pleasures when embarking on such a huge undertaking of positive change. Try new recipes, eat organic, whole foods whenever possible!
2. Meditate daily. I'm going to make myself an altar and get serious about getting silent. Breathing always feels so beautiful.
3. Get JUICED! I'm actually pretty excited about starting to juice. I used to drink Super Green Food all the time when I was a nanny and I developed a taste for drinking green drinks. I'm looking forward to seeing the health benefits that Kris Carr says come with juicing.
4. Yoga. Discover my OM. I want to take one yoga class a week. I have 4 classes prepaid at a yoga studio in Worcester. I need to use them and then see if there is a closer studio so I can eliminate that excuse for not going. Plus, I LOVE yoga. I feel happier just talking about it and thinking about the way the classes make me feel. If thinking about yoga can make my mood instantly lift, I can't even imagine what regular practice would do for me.
5. Write. I want to write every day but if not, almost every day. There was something to my keeping journals in high school. I think processing my thoughts and emotions gave me some space from my living inside my head. I think it keeps me more sane. I also enjoy it.
6. Go for walks. I'm not concerned with running at this point because of my back injury. I am concerned with being outside, breathing fresh air, and moving my body.
7. Practicing gratitude. I think the past few months I've been so caught up in what isn't working, what's not going well, who is letting me down, what hasn't gone my way, blah. It's so negative and dark and dreary in my world right now. I need to do something to remember all the good that there is in my life. Including, in my job. I really need to make a point of acknowledging at least one positive moment from each day. Finding the positive will hopefully show me that there is always a positive to take away.
Bring on the peace.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Teacher burnout? Or just one big, fat mistake?
I actually googled the term "teacher burnout" tonight just to see what would come up. I saw the following definition in an old NY Times article: "when a teacher feels emotionally exhausted at the end of the day, appears cynical or uncaring about what happens to students and feels as if he or she has reached few personal goals."
Sadly, this is me right now. Even though I've been out of work for the past two weeks (one for my back injury and one for April vacation), I was over it after about 20 minutes of being back in the classroom today. It feels like no one listens, parents send in sick children, lots of kids aren't bathed, parents are needy, kids are whiny and need so much individual attention that is seems impossible. I don't like listening to screaming, being snotted on, spit on, kicked and hit. I'm just over the whole thing. The worst part is...I don't really care. I feel so apathetic about the entire experience of teaching right now. Every night I job search and google away the minutes trying to devise a backup plan for myself.
There's just one problem. I haven't ever wanted to do anything else in my life. I started telling people "I want to be a teacher" when I was 7 years old, maybe even sooner. There is no alternative for me. I have literally dedicated my entire life to learning about children. I know what makes them laugh, I know what makes them angry, I can dismantle or put together a group activity in a matter of moments. I can engage groups of children that I meet at a child's birthday party, as a nanny on a beach, or in the middle of a classroom. I have taken children on trains, buses, walks, etc. and they have always survived. I've visited children in homeless shelters, hospitals, living rooms, playgrounds, sketchy apartment buildings, and made connections. I've been abused by parents, taken advantage of, lied to, misled, belittled, and on the rare occasion even thanked.
My profession has been demeaned by my supposed colleagues, my efforts gone unnoticed and under appreciated, misunderstood despite my explanation, and likened to "babysitting" by the very parents of the children I work to educate. I'm plain old sick and tired. When seeking the advice of veteran teachers I have been told on multiple occasions, by several, "take up drinking." I've also been told to have a back up plan.
It is this elusive back up plan that confuses me. All my life I've been told that if I followed my bliss, did what made my heart happy, entered public service, I would not only be content in my choice and live each day feeling "so good about myself" but I would be rewarded with respect and admiration from those who were not strong enough to work with people and had chosen jobs sitting behind a desk.
I used to pride myself on the fact that I was not going to be like most of the kids I graduated high school with and just work for my dad making rich peopler richer. Now, I think, maybe they all had it right all along. I check facebook too often. I see what they're all doing now. They work in cushy jobs (at least it seems so since I never see a post about exhaustion from work) and they make money. Or, they work in a fun little job and their parents still give them money. It's unclear. However, what IS clear, are the pictures of the multiple tropical vacations taken each year, the long weekends at the ski lodge, the trips to the Cape house all summer long. It makes me think that my theory that all these kids are entitled assholes might just be wrong and they are in fact quite clever.
I do not plan tropical vacations. I do not have a summer house to visit. I do not have a bank account which enables me to purchase lovely new clothes each season. I don't have a personal trainer or even a gym membership to help maintain my perfect body. I don't even that good gene that all rich people seem to have, the gene that makes them all skinny. Basically, I sit at home because I'm too broke to go shopping, battling my weight, stressed beyond measure, and drowning in a career path that brings me financial pressures and very little emotional payback.
So, am I just experiencing burnout after 3 years of this? Did I make a colossal LIFE mistake following the mantra "do what you love?" Or is it possible that I've just been in a really, really bad mood for the past 3 months?
Sadly, this is me right now. Even though I've been out of work for the past two weeks (one for my back injury and one for April vacation), I was over it after about 20 minutes of being back in the classroom today. It feels like no one listens, parents send in sick children, lots of kids aren't bathed, parents are needy, kids are whiny and need so much individual attention that is seems impossible. I don't like listening to screaming, being snotted on, spit on, kicked and hit. I'm just over the whole thing. The worst part is...I don't really care. I feel so apathetic about the entire experience of teaching right now. Every night I job search and google away the minutes trying to devise a backup plan for myself.
There's just one problem. I haven't ever wanted to do anything else in my life. I started telling people "I want to be a teacher" when I was 7 years old, maybe even sooner. There is no alternative for me. I have literally dedicated my entire life to learning about children. I know what makes them laugh, I know what makes them angry, I can dismantle or put together a group activity in a matter of moments. I can engage groups of children that I meet at a child's birthday party, as a nanny on a beach, or in the middle of a classroom. I have taken children on trains, buses, walks, etc. and they have always survived. I've visited children in homeless shelters, hospitals, living rooms, playgrounds, sketchy apartment buildings, and made connections. I've been abused by parents, taken advantage of, lied to, misled, belittled, and on the rare occasion even thanked.
My profession has been demeaned by my supposed colleagues, my efforts gone unnoticed and under appreciated, misunderstood despite my explanation, and likened to "babysitting" by the very parents of the children I work to educate. I'm plain old sick and tired. When seeking the advice of veteran teachers I have been told on multiple occasions, by several, "take up drinking." I've also been told to have a back up plan.
It is this elusive back up plan that confuses me. All my life I've been told that if I followed my bliss, did what made my heart happy, entered public service, I would not only be content in my choice and live each day feeling "so good about myself" but I would be rewarded with respect and admiration from those who were not strong enough to work with people and had chosen jobs sitting behind a desk.
I used to pride myself on the fact that I was not going to be like most of the kids I graduated high school with and just work for my dad making rich peopler richer. Now, I think, maybe they all had it right all along. I check facebook too often. I see what they're all doing now. They work in cushy jobs (at least it seems so since I never see a post about exhaustion from work) and they make money. Or, they work in a fun little job and their parents still give them money. It's unclear. However, what IS clear, are the pictures of the multiple tropical vacations taken each year, the long weekends at the ski lodge, the trips to the Cape house all summer long. It makes me think that my theory that all these kids are entitled assholes might just be wrong and they are in fact quite clever.
I do not plan tropical vacations. I do not have a summer house to visit. I do not have a bank account which enables me to purchase lovely new clothes each season. I don't have a personal trainer or even a gym membership to help maintain my perfect body. I don't even that good gene that all rich people seem to have, the gene that makes them all skinny. Basically, I sit at home because I'm too broke to go shopping, battling my weight, stressed beyond measure, and drowning in a career path that brings me financial pressures and very little emotional payback.
So, am I just experiencing burnout after 3 years of this? Did I make a colossal LIFE mistake following the mantra "do what you love?" Or is it possible that I've just been in a really, really bad mood for the past 3 months?
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