I actually googled the term "teacher burnout" tonight just to see what would come up. I saw the following definition in an old NY Times article: "when a teacher feels emotionally exhausted at the end of the day, appears cynical or uncaring about what happens to students and feels as if he or she has reached few personal goals."
Sadly, this is me right now. Even though I've been out of work for the past two weeks (one for my back injury and one for April vacation), I was over it after about 20 minutes of being back in the classroom today. It feels like no one listens, parents send in sick children, lots of kids aren't bathed, parents are needy, kids are whiny and need so much individual attention that is seems impossible. I don't like listening to screaming, being snotted on, spit on, kicked and hit. I'm just over the whole thing. The worst part is...I don't really care. I feel so apathetic about the entire experience of teaching right now. Every night I job search and google away the minutes trying to devise a backup plan for myself.
There's just one problem. I haven't ever wanted to do anything else in my life. I started telling people "I want to be a teacher" when I was 7 years old, maybe even sooner. There is no alternative for me. I have literally dedicated my entire life to learning about children. I know what makes them laugh, I know what makes them angry, I can dismantle or put together a group activity in a matter of moments. I can engage groups of children that I meet at a child's birthday party, as a nanny on a beach, or in the middle of a classroom. I have taken children on trains, buses, walks, etc. and they have always survived. I've visited children in homeless shelters, hospitals, living rooms, playgrounds, sketchy apartment buildings, and made connections. I've been abused by parents, taken advantage of, lied to, misled, belittled, and on the rare occasion even thanked.
My profession has been demeaned by my supposed colleagues, my efforts gone unnoticed and under appreciated, misunderstood despite my explanation, and likened to "babysitting" by the very parents of the children I work to educate. I'm plain old sick and tired. When seeking the advice of veteran teachers I have been told on multiple occasions, by several, "take up drinking." I've also been told to have a back up plan.
It is this elusive back up plan that confuses me. All my life I've been told that if I followed my bliss, did what made my heart happy, entered public service, I would not only be content in my choice and live each day feeling "so good about myself" but I would be rewarded with respect and admiration from those who were not strong enough to work with people and had chosen jobs sitting behind a desk.
I used to pride myself on the fact that I was not going to be like most of the kids I graduated high school with and just work for my dad making rich peopler richer. Now, I think, maybe they all had it right all along. I check facebook too often. I see what they're all doing now. They work in cushy jobs (at least it seems so since I never see a post about exhaustion from work) and they make money. Or, they work in a fun little job and their parents still give them money. It's unclear. However, what IS clear, are the pictures of the multiple tropical vacations taken each year, the long weekends at the ski lodge, the trips to the Cape house all summer long. It makes me think that my theory that all these kids are entitled assholes might just be wrong and they are in fact quite clever.
I do not plan tropical vacations. I do not have a summer house to visit. I do not have a bank account which enables me to purchase lovely new clothes each season. I don't have a personal trainer or even a gym membership to help maintain my perfect body. I don't even that good gene that all rich people seem to have, the gene that makes them all skinny. Basically, I sit at home because I'm too broke to go shopping, battling my weight, stressed beyond measure, and drowning in a career path that brings me financial pressures and very little emotional payback.
So, am I just experiencing burnout after 3 years of this? Did I make a colossal LIFE mistake following the mantra "do what you love?" Or is it possible that I've just been in a really, really bad mood for the past 3 months?
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